Qaddafi Reminds Libya That "It's All Uphill From Here"

TRIPOLI– With various government officials and members of his security force calling for his resignation, with the citizens of his second largest city revoking his government’s services in favor of citizen volunteer groups, and faced with some of the fiercest protests seen in that region this year (despite valiant efforts by Egypt and Tunisia), Col. Qaddafi has chosen, as would any self-respecting five-year-old, to continue his reign.

“Muammar Qaddafi is history, resistance, liberty, glory, revolution,” he declared. When asked why he was speaking in the third person, Col. Qaddafi told ICTPT reporters, “Col. Qaddafi learned to talk this way from watching Elmo.”

And this glorious leader has shown his commitment to liberty in classic fashion: by hiring mercenaries from other African nations to gun down his opposition, as well as anyone else who happens to be walking down the streets of Tripoli. When asked whether he thought this might harm his image, he told ICTPT reporters, “It doesn’t matter. They’re poopoo heads.” He added that they “deserved to die,” leaving ICTPT reporters in awe of his fair and just leadership.

Qaddafi claimed he had brought glory and fame to Libya. In unrelated news, a poll found that more than 50% of Americans and Canadians had never heard of Libya, and of those that had, only 20% could find it on a map.

"Libya wants glory, Libya wants to be at the pinnacle, at the pinnacle of the world," Qaddafi said in a speech.

“Yes, we do,” an anonymous citizen responded when asked about the above statement. “And we can’t be at the pinnacle of the world if we have some little kid in an adult’s body in the seat of power.”

Members of Libya’s U.N. mission seemed to concur, in addition to denouncing the various human rights transgressions that Qaddafi has grown so fond of. Reporters in Tripoli say that when he heard about the mission’s remarks, he began throwing crayons at his supporters.

http://www.npr.org/2011/02/22/133958400/witnesses-report-bodies-in-streets-of-libyan-capital

http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/world-middle-east-12544624

http://www.nytimes.com/2011/02/23/world/africa/23libya.html?pagewanted=1&hp

http://www.nytimes.com/2011/02/23/world/africa/23libya.html?pagewanted=1&hp

Note: the poll mentioned is entirely fictional. But chances are most of those figures aren’t far off.