Sir Nicholas Winterton Implies Common Folk Are Inferior

LONDON– Upcoming elections in the United Kingdom have prompted dramatic actions in the past, but Sir Nicholas Winterton, incumbent Conservative MP (Member of Parliament) for Macclesfield in Cheshire County, Northwestern England, may have erred slightly in his quest for votes. First of all, he has forgotten that he no longer needs to quest for votes, as it was announced last May that he would step down in the next election, after a scandal where it was revealed that he was using his MP’s expenses to pay rent. At the time, Sir Winterton defended his actions, saying, “I try to tackle matters of expenses in a responsible way, I don't spend any more money than is absolutely necessary.” True to his word, he committed his second blunder, when he defended MPs’ right to pay for first class tickets on trains with government funds, which has recently come into question.

In a radio interview, he said that he could not ride standard class because, “If I was in standard-class, I would not do work because people would be looking over your shoulder the entire time, there would be noise, there would be distraction.” He claimed that this was because, as he delicately put it, “They [standard-class passengers] are a totally different type of people… They may be reading a book but I doubt whether they're undertaking serious work or study, reading reports or amending reports that MPs do when they travel.” Incidentally, in an unrelated scandal, he remarked, “I’m quite a normal person.”

The Conservative party, which has largely led in polls against the Labour party, is led by MP David Cameron of Witney, Oxfordshire County, in southeastern England. Mr. Cameron’s policies within the party have been to fight this trend of high class politicians with “their old chilly image as a stuffy bastion of the elite, the mean-spirited, the entitled and the clueless.” He admits that it has been an uphill battle. “If the next election is about… [not having a posh prime minister] …we’re not going to win it.”

And Sir Winterton isn’t helping. He drew the ire of BBC News Magazine readers, who expressed their outrage in the comments section of one article (URL below). One anonymous commenter from London asked for the “respect of the MPs who serve us.” Another anonymous commenter said that he would like to give him “45 hacks in the neck with a blunt axe.”

Mr. Cameron, however, has been quick to distance himself and the rest of the Conservative party from Sir Winterton and his odd remarks (which have, in the past, included such oddities as “Will I slap a colleague on the back?... The answer is – it is certainly possible.” This was his defense when he was accused of slapping Labour MP Natascha Engel's rear.). Luckily for Mr. Cameron, the Labour party is not exactly guilt-free. The party has been dogged by scandals of just about every sort.

However, first class train riders in the United Kingdom will have to be more wary of common folk like “Shambles” from London who swears that when he or she wins the lottery, “I'm gonna buy myself a season 1st class rail ticket and make it my life’s mission to annoy all the snobs on first class. Then they won't have an excuse.”

http://www.nytimes.com/2010/03/23/world/europe/23britain.html?ref=europe

http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/uk_news/magazine/8557468.stm

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Sir_Nicholas_Winterton

Biden Avoids Committing Gaffe, Israel Not So Lucky

JERUSALEM– Vice President Biden has spent the last three months preparing for his visit to the Middle East. Most of the preparations would not normally be needed, but considering Joe “Gaffe Master” Biden was to be the one involved, White House officials deemed the extra preparations especially necessary. “They spent a whole week making sure I wouldn’t make any magician jokes,” Mr. Biden told an ICTPT reporter. “I still don’t get what’s so bad about shouting ‘Allah-kazam!’ and pulling a coin from King Abdullah II’s ear.” Mr. Biden promised that he would refrain from doing so despite this.

All seemed to be going well at first. Biden made it to the residence of Israeli President Shimon Perez, and even kept from falling asleep when a planned opportunity for brief remarks turned into an hour-long opportunity for Mr. Perez to talk about his gout. However, a gaffe was finally committed when Mr. Biden praised Prime Minister Netanyahu for having taken “significant steps” towards peace and pledged “absolute, total, unvarnished commitment to Israel’s security.” As Mr. Biden was finishing his remarks, Israel announced the authorization by the Jerusalem District Planning and Building Committee of a plan to build roughly 1,600 housing units in East Jerusalem.

“Oops,” Mr. Netanyahu is known to have remarked.

In a meeting in Jerusalem, Mr. Netanyahu reportedly told Mr. Biden that he had no prior knowledge that the announcement would come today. “Sure we wanted to undermine the peace talks which are the sole purpose of your visit, but not while you were here,” he said. At the same time, an Interior Ministry spokeswoman stressed that there was “no connection” between the timing of the announcement and Mr. Biden’s visit, prompting Mr. Biden to ask, “How the hell does that make anything better?”

The White House immediately condemned the decision, with spokesman Robert Gibbs reminding all that President Obama’s stiff position against Israeli settlements in the West Bank was well known.

Nabil Abu Rudeineh, a spokesman for Palestinian President Mahmoud Abbas, reportedly said that this made it abundantly clear that “the Israeli government does not want negotiations, nor does it want peace.” Another Palestinian official told a ICTPT reporter that “It’s not like we didn’t know already. Netanyahu’s resistance to the peace process is almost as well known as Hamas’.”

Defense Minister Ehud Barak sought to play down the situation, saying that “This is an ultra-Orthodox city very close to the Green Line, and these are housing units for people who are struggling and cannot buy elsewhere, and who do not pay taxes, serve in the army, or even acknowledge the legitimacy of the State of Israel.”

In surprisingly gaffe-free written statement, Mr. Biden himself said “I condemn the decision by the government of Israel to advance planning for new housing units. The substance and timing of the announcement, particularly with the launching of proximity talks, is precisely the kind of step that undermines the trust we need right now.”

http://www.haaretz.com/hasen/spages/1155460.html

http://www.nytimes.com/2010/03/10/world/middleeast/10biden.html?hp

http://www.jpost.com/Israel/Article.aspx?id=170611

http://www.haaretz.com/hasen/spages/11554

Former Leader of Bosnia Uses Familiar Excuses

THE HAGUE- Following his capture two years ago, former Bosnian Serb leader Radovan Karadzic’s trial began officially on October 26th of last year, where he was charged with 11 counts of genocide, war crimes, and crimes against humanity during the Bosnian War from 1992 to 1995. Mr. Karadzic himself, however, did not appear in court until November 3rd, citing reasons of boycott and ill-preparedness, as he famously views the court proceedings as a college student might view a paper due in a vital class: best done during the class session when it’s due. In true college style, he asked his professor, er, judge, O-Gon Kwon, for extension after extension. However, O-Gon Kwon, who is known to have served on the Jedi Council for three years, finally put his foot down last November.

“We’ve appointed him a lawyer,” he told ICTPT reporters. “Though he seems to insist on calling Mr. Harvey his ‘Academic Advisor.’” British lawyer, musician, and soccer player, Richard Harvey, was instructed to appear in court for Mr. Karadzic if the boycott continued.

Finally, earlier today, Mr. Karadzic began to present his case. And the world finally understood why he took so long: he was consulting his college friends for good excuses.

For lack of a dog to eat his case, he went for the next most popular “someone told me to.”

“And that someone was, uh, um, you see, it was, uh, GOD!” he declared. “God did it.” Among other excuses he used were “they started it” and “it depends on your definition of genocide.”

“Look,” he said, “we didn’t want to expel the Muslims or the Croats. We just wanted to rape them a little.” He went on to claim that the Muslims had “blood up to their shoulders.” “I don’t, by the way,” he continued. “I killed about 100,000 people, but I don’t have blood up to my shoulders.” He also stated that “conduct gave rise to our conduct. I got that philosophy when I was five, and this bully stole my lunch money, so I killed him and stole all his parents’ money. It was AWESOME.”

Another key part to his case was the presentation of a picture of a market place in Sarajevo, a city the Serb forces laid siege to during the war. This market place, in 1994, was the site of a massacre in which nearly 70 people died. In the picture, the market is empty. Mr. Karadzic claimed that it was taken directly before the attack and that it proved that the attack was staged. “You guys gotta believe this,” he added. “It took me four months to photoshop this!”

Mr. Karadzic claims to be innocent of all 11 charges.

http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/europe/8542297.stm

http://www.nytimes.com/2010/03/02/world/europe/02hague.html?ref=europe