Swede Arrested Over Attempt to Make Nuclear Reactor in Kitchen

ANGELHOLM – Richard Handl (above, right), 31, showed all the common sense, and 6.022•10^23 times the curiosity, of a college student when he tried to set up a small-scale nuclear reactor on his stove.

“I wanted to see if I would be able to split an atom,” he said. “I had it under control, it was not so dangerous.”

Handl, in an amazing demonstration of vacuity, thought to ask Swedish authorities regarding the legality of his experiment after beginning it. When he was arrested, police found radium, americium, and uranium in his apartment. Tests indicated radiation levels were low.

According to his blog, on which he detailed the progress of his experiment, Mr. Handl mixed radium, americium, and beryllium in 96% sulfuric acid.

“Part of me wonders why he was trying to do this, since it happens in nature all the time,” University of Nottingham uranium expert Steve Liddle told reporters. “What I do know is that it looks kinda dangerous.”

“It was pretty stupid,” Mr. Handl admitted.

“It’s all fine and well if you get a fantastic result,” Prof. Liddle said when asked about home chemistry. “But if you kill yourself in the process, well, I think you’ve defeated your own objectives.”

http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/world-europe-14406766

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=N9VUrgbN2L8&feature=channel_video_title

http://blogs.voanews.com/breaking-news/2011/08/08/swede-attempts-to-build-homemade-nuclear-reactor/

U.N. Shocks World With Response To Syrian Crackdown

UNITED NATIONS – Since they began in March, Syrian protests and calls for the fall of President Bashar al-Assad’s regime have been met with armed government forces and a general disregard for the meaning of “Freedom of Speech” that topped even Israel’s anti-boycott law last month. More recently, the Syrian city of Hama has come under siege by Syrian forces. Activists have claimed deaths numbering more than 150.

“The last time an uprising there was ruthlessly put down, in 1982, many thousands died,” said Jim Muir of BBC news. “That is one reason why the world is watching this drama with such concern.”

Many of Syria’s allies, including Turkey and Russia, have responded to the siege with anger. Bulent Arinc, deputy prime minister of Turkey, said Wednesday that those responsible for the “atrocity” in Hama “can’t be our friend.”

However, by far the most shocking response of all has been the response of the United Nations Security Council. After four months of ignoring civilian deaths numbering well above 1,500, the U.N. Security Council put its foot down over the siege and promptly issued a statement condemning “widespread violations of human rights and the use of force against civilians by the Syrian authorities.” An anonymous aide to American council representative Susan Rice spoke to ICTPT reporters saying the council also “wagged its finger” in the “general direction of Syria.”

“This is truly a historic moment,” Hilal Khashan, a professor of political science at American University in Beirut, told reporters. “The United Nations is traditionally an organization of lazy idiots who generally ignore world crises and argue a lot in an effort to look like they’re doing something about it. That they’ve actually issued a statement is a huge change from their usual strategy, and that they’ve actually done something about a world crisis twice in one year now makes me wonder if this is actually the same United Nations.”

British permanent representative to the council, Mark Lyall Grant, hinted at “stronger measures” if the statement is ignored.

“In this situation, the appropriate action would be sports sanctions,” Mr. Lyall Grant told reporters. “President Assad will be very sorry if Syria is not allowed to participate in the Winter Olympics this year.” Syria has never sent athletes to the Winter Olympics, which take place in three years.

Mr. Assad was unavailable for comment, but an anonymous aide told reporters that his reaction to the statement was to shrug his shoulders and ask for more of “those funny videos from Hama.” When the aide was asked if this was part of a bid in the Biggest Douche in the Middle East contest, the aide asked, “The what contest?”

http://www.nytimes.com/2011/08/04/world/middleeast/04nations.html?_r=1&ref=middleeast

http://www.nytimes.com/2011/08/04/world/middleeast/04syria.html?pagewanted=1&_r=1&ref=middleeast

http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/world-middle-east-14405293

http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/world-middle-east-13855203

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Syria_at_the_Olympics

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Siege_of_Hama_%282011%29

Oxford Dictionary Adds New Definition of “Democracy”

LONDON–Following passage of a law forbidding boycotts against the state, Israel has demanded that the Oxford English Dictionary change its definition of democracy so that it may still be considered a democratic power.

“This law is the product of a democratic process in a democratic state,” Prime Minister Netanyahu told ICTPT reporters. “Even if it has wholly undemocratic effects. It doesn’t mar Israel’s image in the slightest.” In unrelated news, 99 out of 100 Israelis think the law mars Israel’s image.

“Obviously, we can’t just change the definition,” said Chief Editor Edmund Weiner said. “We compromised by adding a special second one that applies only to Israel. Also, they really should have gone to the United Nations for something like this, but then, Netanyahu is making a lot of dumb mistakes right now and the U.N would have shot him down anyway.”

“Of course it’s not a dumb mistake,” P.M. Netanyahu claimed when told of the Chief Editor’s statements. “It’s a perfectly legitimate method of treating the symptoms rather than the whole disease.”

Noted Israeli mistake-making expert, Avigdor Lieberman, was unavailable for comment.

“What mars its image are the reckless, irresponsible attacks against the legitimate attempt by a democracy on the defensive to draw a line between what is acceptable and what isn’t acceptable,” Netanyahu told ICTPT reporters. “What’s next? Are people going to say that the National Endowment for Kitten Kicking legislation due to pass next week isn’t ‘appropriate?’”

Among the major critics of the new law are seven former and current Law School deans from around Israel.

http://www.haaretz.com/print-edition/news/dozens-of-israeli-law-professors-protest-unconstitutional-boycott-law-1.373152

http://www.nytimes.com/2011/07/12/world/middleeast/12israel.html?_r=1&ref=middleeast

Qaddafi Reminds Libya That "It's All Uphill From Here"

TRIPOLI– With various government officials and members of his security force calling for his resignation, with the citizens of his second largest city revoking his government’s services in favor of citizen volunteer groups, and faced with some of the fiercest protests seen in that region this year (despite valiant efforts by Egypt and Tunisia), Col. Qaddafi has chosen, as would any self-respecting five-year-old, to continue his reign.

“Muammar Qaddafi is history, resistance, liberty, glory, revolution,” he declared. When asked why he was speaking in the third person, Col. Qaddafi told ICTPT reporters, “Col. Qaddafi learned to talk this way from watching Elmo.”

And this glorious leader has shown his commitment to liberty in classic fashion: by hiring mercenaries from other African nations to gun down his opposition, as well as anyone else who happens to be walking down the streets of Tripoli. When asked whether he thought this might harm his image, he told ICTPT reporters, “It doesn’t matter. They’re poopoo heads.” He added that they “deserved to die,” leaving ICTPT reporters in awe of his fair and just leadership.

Qaddafi claimed he had brought glory and fame to Libya. In unrelated news, a poll found that more than 50% of Americans and Canadians had never heard of Libya, and of those that had, only 20% could find it on a map.

"Libya wants glory, Libya wants to be at the pinnacle, at the pinnacle of the world," Qaddafi said in a speech.

“Yes, we do,” an anonymous citizen responded when asked about the above statement. “And we can’t be at the pinnacle of the world if we have some little kid in an adult’s body in the seat of power.”

Members of Libya’s U.N. mission seemed to concur, in addition to denouncing the various human rights transgressions that Qaddafi has grown so fond of. Reporters in Tripoli say that when he heard about the mission’s remarks, he began throwing crayons at his supporters.

http://www.npr.org/2011/02/22/133958400/witnesses-report-bodies-in-streets-of-libyan-capital

http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/world-middle-east-12544624

http://www.nytimes.com/2011/02/23/world/africa/23libya.html?pagewanted=1&hp

http://www.nytimes.com/2011/02/23/world/africa/23libya.html?pagewanted=1&hp

Note: the poll mentioned is entirely fictional. But chances are most of those figures aren’t far off.