A Brief Overview of Australian Political Parties

ADELAIDE– Australian Prime Minister Julia Gillard, Australia’s first female Prime Minister, has called for an election two months after her rise to power. The reason for this odd move is the nature of her ascension, namely a coup within her Labor party to remove former Prime Minister Kevin Rudd after several opinion polls showed waning public support. Despite this, polls now show a possibly neck-and-neck election between the Labor Party and the Liberal Part of Australia.

Major Parties:

Australian Labor Party
• Leader: Julia Gillard
• Founded: 1891
• Centre/Left; In its early days the party called for a “White Australia” and a citizen army. Since then, it has divided into two factions: the Socialist Left, which favors interventionist economics and social progressivism; and Labor Right, who call for economic liberalism and who don’t focus as much on social issues. The party has split on a number of issues, including communism, tariffs, and army service.
• Official Color: Red
• Theme Song: Revolution
• Motto: “We swear our new leader is better.”

Liberal Party of Australia
• Leader: Tony Abbott
• Founded: 1945
• Centre/Right; Party was founded on the principle of strong opposition to communism and socialism and came from a long string of parties that disintegrated after suffering electoral losses and reforming as new parties. The Commonwealth Liberal Party began this string in 1909 when the Free Trade Party and Protectionist Party fused. The CLP was replaced by the Nationalist Party of Australia in 1917, which was replaced by the United Australia Party in 1931, which was replaced by the Liberal Party of Australia. The party rose from two meetings, in October and December of 1944, was actually a congregation of Anti-Labor politicians and groups, and then the party’s formation was formally announced the next year. The party favors social conservatism, and the current leader is very mistrustful of climate change research.
• Official Color: Blue
• Theme Song: Raisin’ Abbott
• Motto: “We’re called Liberals, so we must be OK.”

The National Party of Australia
• Leader: Warren Truss
• Founded: 1920
• Centre/Right; Party was originally founded as the Country Party, however the party adopted “The Nationals” as a name for campaign purposes in 2003, though their legal name remains unchanged. The party’s first leader, William McWilliams of Tasmania, laid out the principles of the party in his first speech, saying, “we crave no alliance, we spurn no support but we intend drastic action to secure closer attention to the needs of primary producers.” The party sees itself as the voice of rural Australia.
• Official Color: Green
• Theme Song: Thank God I’m An Aussie Boy
• Motto: “We’re happy little Vegemites.”

Australian Greens
• Leader: Bob Brown
• Founded: 1992
• Left; Though founded in 1992, the party traces its roots back to the United Tasmania Group, the first Green party in the world, twenty years earlier. The party has enjoyed decent success, mostly in Tasmania. In 2004, the Herald Sun, a newspaper in Melbourne, claimed that the party was backing illegal drugs. Brown, who was the leader of the party at the time, made a complaint to the Australian Press Council, who denounced the Herald Sun.
• Official Color: Green
• Theme Song: Mother Nature’s Son
• Motto: “Only you can prevent forest fires.”

Family First Party
• Leader: Steve Fielding
• Founded: 2002
• Right; Party has contested, more often than won, seats. However, its Facebook page has more followers than either the Labor party or the Liberal party and it enjoys increasing numbers of followers on Twitter. Its members tend to be from conservative Christian backgrounds, though the party has no official religious label.
• Official Color: none
• Theme Song: Joy to the World, We Won a Seat
• Motto: “Parties with long histories are overrated.”

http://www.nytimes.com/aponline/2010/08/20/world/asia/AP-AS-Australia-Election.html?_r=1&ref=world

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Australian_Labor_Party

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Liberal_Party_of_Australia

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/National_Party_of_Australia

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Australian_Greens

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Family_First_Party

New Rising Star in “Biggest Douche in the Middle East” Competition

TEL AVIV– Mahmoud Ahmadinejad and Avigdor Lieberman have new and unexpected company in their struggle to claim the “Biggest Douche in the Middle East” title. Mr. Lieberman’s attempt to take the lead last February, when he issued several choice remarks about the Syrian head of state, has thus far failed to surpass Mr. Ahmadinejad’s contribution of "being Mahmoud Ahmadinejad." Now, Eden Abergil, who recently completed her service in the Israeli Defense Force, has thrown in a surprising addition to the chaotic mess some call the Middle East peace process.

In a show of creativity not yet seen by the contest judges, Ms. Abergil posted several photos of herself posing next to several bound and blindfolded Palestinian prisoners and titled the album “The Army ... The Most Beautiful Time of My Life.” On one of the photos, she is known to have commented, “I wonder if he is on Facebook? I must tag him in the photograph.”

“Wow. She’s good,” Prime Minister Netanyahu was known to have commented. “I should make her Foreign Minister.”

“It looks like the soldier who put up the photographs on Facebook enjoyed the humiliation of the Palestinians and ignored their right to privacy,” Yishai Menuchen, head of the Public Committee Against Torture, told reporters. In unrelated news, Ms. Abergil has changed her Facebook privacy settings in an effort increase her privacy and avoid humiliation.

In an amazing move of douchiness, Ms. Abergil also managed to harm the IDF, as in the background of many of her pictures are “military maps and documents on the walls, including what appears to be classified material,” according to Ha’aretz News.

Adding insult to injury, as Ms. Abergil was discharged a year ago, the IDF has no legal means to stop her from posting the photos.

When asked why she suddenly chose to throw herself into the contest spotlight, Ms. Abergil happily replied, “I could see that Foreign Minister Lieberman needed some suggestions on how to make his next move in the contest. But who knows? Maybe I should go for it myself.”

http://www.haaretz.com/print-edition/news/web-abuzz-over-soldier-s-photos-with-bound-blindfolded-inmates-1.308458

http://www.nytimes.com/2010/08/17/world/middleeast/17israel.html?ref=middleeast

http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/world-middle-east-10994668

James Cameron Declares Intent to Stand Between Brazil and “Unobtanium”

ALTAMIRA– Canadian-American movie director, James Cameron, has declared his intent to unite the forces of the Amazon Rainforest in an attempt to keep the Brazilian government away from what he calls the “unobtanium.”

“I won’t let them destroy Hometree,” he told reporters.

Brazil has announced plans to build an $11 billion hydro-electric dam that threatens to flood a large area of the Xingu River basin. Government officials have also told ICTPT reporters that they have no idea what Mr. Cameron is talking about, and that they have no idea what this “Hometree” place is, nor do they harbor it any ill will.

But Mr. Cameron is adamant.

“This is how it’s done,” he told ICTPT reporters. “When people are sitting on sh- uh, stuff that you want, you make 'em your enemy. Then you justify taking it.”

The plan has met widespread opposition (apart from Mr. Cameron) from various environmental groups and natives of the region. However, many are starting to give in.

“There are a lot of political considerations right now for the indigenous leaders. Some have been neutralized by handouts or threats,” said Christian Poirier, a campaign leader for Amazon Watch, to New York Times reporters.

But Mr. Cameron disagrees.

“They're not going to give up their home. They're not going to make a deal. For what? A light beer and blue jeans? There's nothing that we have that they want.” Despite Mr. Cameron’s statements to the contrary, however, the Brazilian government has wooed various factions that once opposed the dam with promises of construction jobs that the plan will provide.

However, as flooding from the dam would force 12,000 to relocate, many indigenous tribes have threatened war to stop the construction. Or, as Mr. Cameron put it, “They’re never going to leave Hometree.”

http://www.nytimes.com/2010/08/16/world/americas/16brazil.html?hp

http://en.wikiquote.org/wiki/Avatar_%282009_film%29

New York Times To Hire Science Fiction/Fantasy Writers

NEW YORK– The New York Times, in the time since it began printing in 1851, has won 104 Pulitzer Prizes, the most of any news organization. Its website is one of the most popular American newspaper websites as of December, 2008, according to one trustworthy statistics provider (Wikipedia). Despite this, newspaper readership has fallen to the lowest level since the 1980’s.

Fearing for the newspaper’s popularity, Arthur Ochs Sulzberger, Jr. has begun hiring a new breed of reporters.

“This is an exciting new development in the thrilling story of the New York Times,” editor Bill Keller told ICTPT reporters. “In order to draw in younger readers, we’ve begun hiring science fiction and fantasy writers from around America to tell the fantastic and scientifically fictional story of the news.”

The first story provided by these new reporters tells of the Obama administration’s “Shadow War” against the forces of evil and his efforts to bring balance to the world. The picture associated with the article was originally produced when the writers erroneously assumed that they were expected to make a feature film version of the article and needed something for a poster.

“I started out working on dubbing anime for 4Kids Entertainment,” Scott Shane told reporters. He worked for the television production company for four years before joining the New York Times. “They always had us doing shadow this, shadow that, evil shadows, shadows of whatever, so I figure, throw some shadows in it and kids will love it.”

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/New_York_Times

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/4kids

http://www.nytimes.com/2010/08/15/world/15shadowwar.html?_r=1&ref=world