Qaddafi Calls for “Jihad” Against Switzerland, Switzerland Says “Whatever”

TRIPOLI- Colonel Muammar Al Qaddafi, leader of Libya with no discernable title, as he refuses to be known as “dictator”, is well known for having not matured mentally for the last 63 of his 68 years. His insane ideas have included a combination Israeli-Palestinian state called “Isratine”*. His most recent escapade has been a schoolyard-esque grudge against Switzerland after Swiss officials detained his son for two days over alleged beatings of servants two years ago. Col. Qaddafi’s immediate response was to pull all diplomats from Switzerland, remove all money from Swiss banks, and set up an oil embargo on the otherwise neutral country. In addition, he detained two Swiss businessmen who were in Libya at the time. One was released this week after nineteen months of detainment, the other has yet to be released.

So it came as a surprise to absolutely nobody when, in reaction to a Swiss ban on new minarets for mosques within Switzerland, which, incidentally, was voted in last November, Col. Qaddafi threw his coloring book and crayons at a wall and had a hissy fit.

“If Switzerland was on our borders, we would fight it,” he whined. “Since we’re not, I’m going to pout and suck my thumb.”

Yasar Ozdemir, member of the Zurich-based Swiss Federation of Muslim Associations, told Agence France-Presse that Col. Qaddafi’s actions did not surprise him at all, adding that “he often says such nonsense.”

Other Muslim leaders in Europe eagerly pointed out that Col. Qaddafi has no religious authority to declare a Jihad. Omar el-Sanie couldn’t help but laugh out loud when he heard of the call for Jihad. In an interview with the AP, he said, “Do you know what the word jihad means? It means you have to sacrifice your life for what you are doing. God knows why he said that.”

This is, sadly, not even Qaddafi’s first outburst of the month. Just last week, he barred the citizens of 25 European nations from entering Libya to get back at Switzerland for imposing travel restrictions on his family, ministers, and Qaddafi himself. “If they won’t let me into their tree house, I’ll make my own tree house that they can’t come to!” he is known to have screamed. Europe responded by collectively shrugging their shoulders and going about their business. The only comment made was when one official wondered why Qaddafi was rambling about tree houses.

“You never know with the crazies,” lawmaker Oskar Freysinger told AP reporters.

One Swiss official, who wished to remain anonymous, told It Came To Pass That reporters that “In my opinion, [Col. Qaddafi] really just needs to grow up and get rid of those women who babysit him.” When Qaddafi was asked to comment on this, he screamed “They’re bodyguards, not babysitters! Switzerland is a poopyhead!”

http://www.nytimes.com/2010/02/27/world/europe/27swiss.html?ref=europe

http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/content/article/2010/02/26/AR2010022602903.html

* No, seriously, he actually suggested a state called Isratine. I’m not kidding. I’m sure it went over well on both sides of the Israeli-Palestinian conflict.

Iranian President Blames Western World and Israel for Capture of Rebel

2/24/2010

TEHRAN- Jundallah, meaning “soldiers of God”, is a terrorist group operating out of southeastern Iran, an area heavily populated with Sunnis, who it claims to defend. The organization is responsible for numerous attacks such as a bombing in October that killed 40 people. Now, finally, Iran has taken action and yesterday captured Abdolmalek Rigi, the leader of Jundallah.

Faced with something new, that is, success that doesn’t cost him his international reputation, Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad was unsure how to proceed. In the end, he fell back on his usual strategy: blame America and Israel.

“The Zionists have successfully captured Mr. Rigi,” he said in a press conference yesterday. “They are turning him over to us as we speak.” When asked about his previous comments pertaining to Mr. Rigi working with Israel, President Ahmadinejad explained that Mr. Rigi was both working with and captured by Israel. “These Zionists… they are very foolish.” Another reporter commented that details had arisen pointing to Iranian forces as Mr. Rigi’s captors, to which President Ahmadinejad replied, “No, it was definitely Israel."

Mr. Rigi was reportedly arrested in Pakistan.

In a misguided effort to show that he and his officials are not terrorists, President Ahmadinejad showed Mr. Rigi being led off an airplane, unarmed, guarded by two armed men in black masks. “This clearly shows,” he said in a statement issued shortly thereafter, “that the Iranian men, who are wearing masks like terrorists, are not terrorists, while the terrorist who is not wearing a mask is a terrorist. Think about it for a while, it definitely makes sense.”

http://www.nytimes.com/2010/02/24/world/middleeast/24insurgent.html?ref=middleeast

Israeli Minister Steps Up Campaign for “Biggest Douche in the Middle East” Title

2/4/2010

JERUSALEM- Israeli Foreign Minister Avigdor Lieberman has taken actions to ensure his reception of the “Biggest Douche in the Middle East” title. In an effort to take a lead over reigning champion, Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, who recently blamed America and the Jews for the death of a puppy that he ate, Mr. Lieberman responded to Syrian allegations that Israel was “not serious about achieving peace.” In a speech at Bar-Ilan University near Tel-Aviv, Mr. Lieberman was quoted with saying “Hell yeah we want war! We’re gonna kick some serious Syrian ass! Also, yo mamma so fat, Mount Sinai saw her and said ‘DAAAAAAAAM.’” He then went on to threaten the family of Syrian President Bashar Al-Assad.

Former Israeli Defense Minister Shaul Mofaz described Mr. Lieberman’s statements as “irresponsible” (Mr. Mofaz is famously competing in the “Biggest Understatement of the Year” competition). Other Israeli officials, including current Defense Minister Ehud Barak, have expressed discomfort with Mr. Lieberman’s statements as well.

Mr. Lieberman, however, has chosen to remain in his own deluded world he makes the rules, one of the more prominent requirements of the “Biggest Douche” title. He issued further statements against Syria, saying that Syria had made a “direct threat” to Israel that “crossed a line.”

“And no,” he said, “before you ask, I was not being threatening at all when I said ‘In the next war, not only will you lose, you and your family will lose the regime. Neither you will remain in power, nor the Assad family.’ Not threatening at all.”

When asked about Mr. Lieberman’s statements, Prime Minister Netanyahu said “Yeah… I should probably tell him to shut up…” When questioned about the douche competition, Mr. Netanyahu said Lieberman had his “full support.” “Lieberman may not be the biggest douchebag in the Middle East, but he’s gotta be in at least the top five.”

http://www.nytimes.com/2010/02/05/world/middleeast/05mideast.html?ref=middleeast