Swede Arrested Over Attempt to Make Nuclear Reactor in Kitchen

ANGELHOLM – Richard Handl (above, right), 31, showed all the common sense, and 6.022•10^23 times the curiosity, of a college student when he tried to set up a small-scale nuclear reactor on his stove.

“I wanted to see if I would be able to split an atom,” he said. “I had it under control, it was not so dangerous.”

Handl, in an amazing demonstration of vacuity, thought to ask Swedish authorities regarding the legality of his experiment after beginning it. When he was arrested, police found radium, americium, and uranium in his apartment. Tests indicated radiation levels were low.

According to his blog, on which he detailed the progress of his experiment, Mr. Handl mixed radium, americium, and beryllium in 96% sulfuric acid.

“Part of me wonders why he was trying to do this, since it happens in nature all the time,” University of Nottingham uranium expert Steve Liddle told reporters. “What I do know is that it looks kinda dangerous.”

“It was pretty stupid,” Mr. Handl admitted.

“It’s all fine and well if you get a fantastic result,” Prof. Liddle said when asked about home chemistry. “But if you kill yourself in the process, well, I think you’ve defeated your own objectives.”

http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/world-europe-14406766

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=N9VUrgbN2L8&feature=channel_video_title

http://blogs.voanews.com/breaking-news/2011/08/08/swede-attempts-to-build-homemade-nuclear-reactor/

U.N. Shocks World With Response To Syrian Crackdown

UNITED NATIONS – Since they began in March, Syrian protests and calls for the fall of President Bashar al-Assad’s regime have been met with armed government forces and a general disregard for the meaning of “Freedom of Speech” that topped even Israel’s anti-boycott law last month. More recently, the Syrian city of Hama has come under siege by Syrian forces. Activists have claimed deaths numbering more than 150.

“The last time an uprising there was ruthlessly put down, in 1982, many thousands died,” said Jim Muir of BBC news. “That is one reason why the world is watching this drama with such concern.”

Many of Syria’s allies, including Turkey and Russia, have responded to the siege with anger. Bulent Arinc, deputy prime minister of Turkey, said Wednesday that those responsible for the “atrocity” in Hama “can’t be our friend.”

However, by far the most shocking response of all has been the response of the United Nations Security Council. After four months of ignoring civilian deaths numbering well above 1,500, the U.N. Security Council put its foot down over the siege and promptly issued a statement condemning “widespread violations of human rights and the use of force against civilians by the Syrian authorities.” An anonymous aide to American council representative Susan Rice spoke to ICTPT reporters saying the council also “wagged its finger” in the “general direction of Syria.”

“This is truly a historic moment,” Hilal Khashan, a professor of political science at American University in Beirut, told reporters. “The United Nations is traditionally an organization of lazy idiots who generally ignore world crises and argue a lot in an effort to look like they’re doing something about it. That they’ve actually issued a statement is a huge change from their usual strategy, and that they’ve actually done something about a world crisis twice in one year now makes me wonder if this is actually the same United Nations.”

British permanent representative to the council, Mark Lyall Grant, hinted at “stronger measures” if the statement is ignored.

“In this situation, the appropriate action would be sports sanctions,” Mr. Lyall Grant told reporters. “President Assad will be very sorry if Syria is not allowed to participate in the Winter Olympics this year.” Syria has never sent athletes to the Winter Olympics, which take place in three years.

Mr. Assad was unavailable for comment, but an anonymous aide told reporters that his reaction to the statement was to shrug his shoulders and ask for more of “those funny videos from Hama.” When the aide was asked if this was part of a bid in the Biggest Douche in the Middle East contest, the aide asked, “The what contest?”

http://www.nytimes.com/2011/08/04/world/middleeast/04nations.html?_r=1&ref=middleeast

http://www.nytimes.com/2011/08/04/world/middleeast/04syria.html?pagewanted=1&_r=1&ref=middleeast

http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/world-middle-east-14405293

http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/world-middle-east-13855203

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Syria_at_the_Olympics

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Siege_of_Hama_%282011%29

Oxford Dictionary Adds New Definition of “Democracy”

LONDON–Following passage of a law forbidding boycotts against the state, Israel has demanded that the Oxford English Dictionary change its definition of democracy so that it may still be considered a democratic power.

“This law is the product of a democratic process in a democratic state,” Prime Minister Netanyahu told ICTPT reporters. “Even if it has wholly undemocratic effects. It doesn’t mar Israel’s image in the slightest.” In unrelated news, 99 out of 100 Israelis think the law mars Israel’s image.

“Obviously, we can’t just change the definition,” said Chief Editor Edmund Weiner said. “We compromised by adding a special second one that applies only to Israel. Also, they really should have gone to the United Nations for something like this, but then, Netanyahu is making a lot of dumb mistakes right now and the U.N would have shot him down anyway.”

“Of course it’s not a dumb mistake,” P.M. Netanyahu claimed when told of the Chief Editor’s statements. “It’s a perfectly legitimate method of treating the symptoms rather than the whole disease.”

Noted Israeli mistake-making expert, Avigdor Lieberman, was unavailable for comment.

“What mars its image are the reckless, irresponsible attacks against the legitimate attempt by a democracy on the defensive to draw a line between what is acceptable and what isn’t acceptable,” Netanyahu told ICTPT reporters. “What’s next? Are people going to say that the National Endowment for Kitten Kicking legislation due to pass next week isn’t ‘appropriate?’”

Among the major critics of the new law are seven former and current Law School deans from around Israel.

http://www.haaretz.com/print-edition/news/dozens-of-israeli-law-professors-protest-unconstitutional-boycott-law-1.373152

http://www.nytimes.com/2011/07/12/world/middleeast/12israel.html?_r=1&ref=middleeast

Qaddafi Reminds Libya That "It's All Uphill From Here"

TRIPOLI– With various government officials and members of his security force calling for his resignation, with the citizens of his second largest city revoking his government’s services in favor of citizen volunteer groups, and faced with some of the fiercest protests seen in that region this year (despite valiant efforts by Egypt and Tunisia), Col. Qaddafi has chosen, as would any self-respecting five-year-old, to continue his reign.

“Muammar Qaddafi is history, resistance, liberty, glory, revolution,” he declared. When asked why he was speaking in the third person, Col. Qaddafi told ICTPT reporters, “Col. Qaddafi learned to talk this way from watching Elmo.”

And this glorious leader has shown his commitment to liberty in classic fashion: by hiring mercenaries from other African nations to gun down his opposition, as well as anyone else who happens to be walking down the streets of Tripoli. When asked whether he thought this might harm his image, he told ICTPT reporters, “It doesn’t matter. They’re poopoo heads.” He added that they “deserved to die,” leaving ICTPT reporters in awe of his fair and just leadership.

Qaddafi claimed he had brought glory and fame to Libya. In unrelated news, a poll found that more than 50% of Americans and Canadians had never heard of Libya, and of those that had, only 20% could find it on a map.

"Libya wants glory, Libya wants to be at the pinnacle, at the pinnacle of the world," Qaddafi said in a speech.

“Yes, we do,” an anonymous citizen responded when asked about the above statement. “And we can’t be at the pinnacle of the world if we have some little kid in an adult’s body in the seat of power.”

Members of Libya’s U.N. mission seemed to concur, in addition to denouncing the various human rights transgressions that Qaddafi has grown so fond of. Reporters in Tripoli say that when he heard about the mission’s remarks, he began throwing crayons at his supporters.

http://www.npr.org/2011/02/22/133958400/witnesses-report-bodies-in-streets-of-libyan-capital

http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/world-middle-east-12544624

http://www.nytimes.com/2011/02/23/world/africa/23libya.html?pagewanted=1&hp

http://www.nytimes.com/2011/02/23/world/africa/23libya.html?pagewanted=1&hp

Note: the poll mentioned is entirely fictional. But chances are most of those figures aren’t far off.

New York Restaurant Begins Serving Twinkies

NEW YORK CITY– Per Se, located in Columbus Circle, opened in February of 2004. Since then, it has earned four stars from the New York Times and it was recognized as one of the top forty restaurants in the United States by GAYOT.com. Currently it is one of only six restaurants in the United States to have three Michelin stars. Each meal costs upwards of $275. Its owner, Thomas Keller, proudly posed with head sommelier, James Hayes, in front of the kitchen doors for a picture, which could not be included due to technical difficulties.

“This is probably one of the classiest places in New York,” Keller boasted.

So it came as a surprise when, last week, he added an odd familiarity to his desert tray: a Twinkie.

“I was as surprised as anyone else when the idea hit me,” he remarked. “But a Twinkie makes an excellent palate-cleanser.”

Keller’s Twinkies are no ordinary Twinkies. He worked with Danish pastry techniques to craft a masterpiece. He starts with finest whipping cream and adds an egg-white meringue to make it slightly more firm.

“The first time we made them, we weren't sure how much vanilla to add,” he recalls. “Our first batch actually had a brownish tint in the cream.”

The cream is wrapped in a thick sponge cake and served with an edible wrapper made of sugar.

http://www.haaretz.com/culture/food-wine/the-craving-for-krembo-1.322791

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Per_Se_%28restaurant%29

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Krembo

A Brief Overview of Australian Political Parties

ADELAIDE– Australian Prime Minister Julia Gillard, Australia’s first female Prime Minister, has called for an election two months after her rise to power. The reason for this odd move is the nature of her ascension, namely a coup within her Labor party to remove former Prime Minister Kevin Rudd after several opinion polls showed waning public support. Despite this, polls now show a possibly neck-and-neck election between the Labor Party and the Liberal Part of Australia.

Major Parties:

Australian Labor Party
• Leader: Julia Gillard
• Founded: 1891
• Centre/Left; In its early days the party called for a “White Australia” and a citizen army. Since then, it has divided into two factions: the Socialist Left, which favors interventionist economics and social progressivism; and Labor Right, who call for economic liberalism and who don’t focus as much on social issues. The party has split on a number of issues, including communism, tariffs, and army service.
• Official Color: Red
• Theme Song: Revolution
• Motto: “We swear our new leader is better.”

Liberal Party of Australia
• Leader: Tony Abbott
• Founded: 1945
• Centre/Right; Party was founded on the principle of strong opposition to communism and socialism and came from a long string of parties that disintegrated after suffering electoral losses and reforming as new parties. The Commonwealth Liberal Party began this string in 1909 when the Free Trade Party and Protectionist Party fused. The CLP was replaced by the Nationalist Party of Australia in 1917, which was replaced by the United Australia Party in 1931, which was replaced by the Liberal Party of Australia. The party rose from two meetings, in October and December of 1944, was actually a congregation of Anti-Labor politicians and groups, and then the party’s formation was formally announced the next year. The party favors social conservatism, and the current leader is very mistrustful of climate change research.
• Official Color: Blue
• Theme Song: Raisin’ Abbott
• Motto: “We’re called Liberals, so we must be OK.”

The National Party of Australia
• Leader: Warren Truss
• Founded: 1920
• Centre/Right; Party was originally founded as the Country Party, however the party adopted “The Nationals” as a name for campaign purposes in 2003, though their legal name remains unchanged. The party’s first leader, William McWilliams of Tasmania, laid out the principles of the party in his first speech, saying, “we crave no alliance, we spurn no support but we intend drastic action to secure closer attention to the needs of primary producers.” The party sees itself as the voice of rural Australia.
• Official Color: Green
• Theme Song: Thank God I’m An Aussie Boy
• Motto: “We’re happy little Vegemites.”

Australian Greens
• Leader: Bob Brown
• Founded: 1992
• Left; Though founded in 1992, the party traces its roots back to the United Tasmania Group, the first Green party in the world, twenty years earlier. The party has enjoyed decent success, mostly in Tasmania. In 2004, the Herald Sun, a newspaper in Melbourne, claimed that the party was backing illegal drugs. Brown, who was the leader of the party at the time, made a complaint to the Australian Press Council, who denounced the Herald Sun.
• Official Color: Green
• Theme Song: Mother Nature’s Son
• Motto: “Only you can prevent forest fires.”

Family First Party
• Leader: Steve Fielding
• Founded: 2002
• Right; Party has contested, more often than won, seats. However, its Facebook page has more followers than either the Labor party or the Liberal party and it enjoys increasing numbers of followers on Twitter. Its members tend to be from conservative Christian backgrounds, though the party has no official religious label.
• Official Color: none
• Theme Song: Joy to the World, We Won a Seat
• Motto: “Parties with long histories are overrated.”

http://www.nytimes.com/aponline/2010/08/20/world/asia/AP-AS-Australia-Election.html?_r=1&ref=world

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Australian_Labor_Party

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Liberal_Party_of_Australia

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/National_Party_of_Australia

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Australian_Greens

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Family_First_Party

New Rising Star in “Biggest Douche in the Middle East” Competition

TEL AVIV– Mahmoud Ahmadinejad and Avigdor Lieberman have new and unexpected company in their struggle to claim the “Biggest Douche in the Middle East” title. Mr. Lieberman’s attempt to take the lead last February, when he issued several choice remarks about the Syrian head of state, has thus far failed to surpass Mr. Ahmadinejad’s contribution of "being Mahmoud Ahmadinejad." Now, Eden Abergil, who recently completed her service in the Israeli Defense Force, has thrown in a surprising addition to the chaotic mess some call the Middle East peace process.

In a show of creativity not yet seen by the contest judges, Ms. Abergil posted several photos of herself posing next to several bound and blindfolded Palestinian prisoners and titled the album “The Army ... The Most Beautiful Time of My Life.” On one of the photos, she is known to have commented, “I wonder if he is on Facebook? I must tag him in the photograph.”

“Wow. She’s good,” Prime Minister Netanyahu was known to have commented. “I should make her Foreign Minister.”

“It looks like the soldier who put up the photographs on Facebook enjoyed the humiliation of the Palestinians and ignored their right to privacy,” Yishai Menuchen, head of the Public Committee Against Torture, told reporters. In unrelated news, Ms. Abergil has changed her Facebook privacy settings in an effort increase her privacy and avoid humiliation.

In an amazing move of douchiness, Ms. Abergil also managed to harm the IDF, as in the background of many of her pictures are “military maps and documents on the walls, including what appears to be classified material,” according to Ha’aretz News.

Adding insult to injury, as Ms. Abergil was discharged a year ago, the IDF has no legal means to stop her from posting the photos.

When asked why she suddenly chose to throw herself into the contest spotlight, Ms. Abergil happily replied, “I could see that Foreign Minister Lieberman needed some suggestions on how to make his next move in the contest. But who knows? Maybe I should go for it myself.”

http://www.haaretz.com/print-edition/news/web-abuzz-over-soldier-s-photos-with-bound-blindfolded-inmates-1.308458

http://www.nytimes.com/2010/08/17/world/middleeast/17israel.html?ref=middleeast

http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/world-middle-east-10994668